FATHERS
DO NOT EXASPERATE
YOUR CHILDREN: hoi pateres, me erethizete (2PPAM) ta tekna humon: (Psalms
103:13;
Proverbs 3:12;
4:1-4;
Ephesians 6:4;
1 Thessalonians 2:11;
Hebrews 12:5-11)
stop nagging your kids
stop irritating your kids to the
point that it produces resentment
Spurgeon writes that...
The duties are mutual. Scripture
maintains an equilibrium. It does not lay down commands for one class,
and then leave the other to exercise whatever tyrannical oppression it
may please. The child is to obey, but the father must not provoke.
See related resource - in
depth notes on parallel passage in
Ephesians 6:4
Exasperate
(2042) (erethizo from erétho = stir to anger) means to stop provoking
(present
imperative
with a negative = stop an action that may already be in process) your
children to the point that they become bitter and resentful. The idea
is to arouse, excite, kindle as in this verse in a bad sense,
thus making resentful, irritating or rousing to anger.
A secular use of erethizo was in reference to fire, the Greek
sentence rendered "a spark kindled by the bellows",
which gives us an accurate picture of the potential effect of a father
inappropriately disciplining his children!
Other
secular Greek uses include "to
provoke to curiosity", in the passive "to be provoked or excited".
In secular writings we find the sentence "a sparked
kindled
(erethizo) by the bellows" which helps understand the potential
effect insensitive, in the flesh punishing can have on a child.
Erethizo means to cause someone to feel resentment = make
resentful, make someone bitter, to excite anger, to provoke, to
irritate. In the only other NT use of erethizo, erethizo is used in a
positive sense meaning to encourage or motivate (provoke positively
stimulating a change in motivation or attitude. ).
For I know your readiness
(eagerness), of which I boast about you to the Macedonians, namely,
that Achaia has been prepared since last year, and your zeal has
stirred up (erethizo) most of them. (2Cor 9:2)
Remember that the
context is important to keep in mind lest we try not to exasperate in
our own strength. Going back to
Colossians 3:16
(or go back to the beginning of the chapter for who we now are in
Christ
Colossians 3:1-2,
which in turn is based on the truths in the first two chapters) the ideal father should
"let the word of Christ richly dwell within...with all
wisdom teaching and admonishing..."
and so filled with the Word
and the Spirit, training up his child in a godly way.
One can exasperate
by...
(1)
Overprotection--never allowing them any
liberty, strict rules about everything. They do not trust their kids
and the child despairs and can lead to rebellion. Parents must
communicate that they trust.
(2) By showing favoritism, often
unwittingly.
(3) By depreciating their worth. Many children are
convinced that what they do and feel is not important. One way to
decrease worth is by not LISTENING. These children may give up trying
to communicate and become discouraged, shy, and withdrawn.
(4) By
setting unrealistic goals--by never rewarding them. Nothing is enough
so they never get full approval. Are you trying to make them into a
person they are NOT? Some kids become so frustrated that they commit
suicide.
(5) By failing to show affection (verbally & physically).
(6)
By not providing for their legitimate needs.
(7) By lack of standards (the
opposite of overprotection). These children are left to their own.
They cannot handle that freedom and begin to feel insecure & unloved.
(8) By destructive criticism. "A child learns what he lives. If he lives with
criticism he does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn
himself and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own
judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to distrust the intentions
of others. And above all, he learns to live with continual expectation
of impending doom." Parents should seek to create in the home a
positive, constructive environment.
(9) By neglect. David was
indifferent to Absalom (and
he failed to discipline Adonijah see
1Ki 1:6
who was put to death by his younger brother Solomon for probable
treason).
(10) By excessive discipline. Never discipline
in anger.
THAT THEY
MAY NOT LOSE HEART: hina me athumosin (3PPAS):
Lose
heart
(120) (athumeo from a = without + thumos
= passions, desire, spirit) means to become disheartened to the point
of losing motivation, to be dispirited or to be broken in spirit.
To feel like giving up. To despond. In this context, it means that the
child feels that he can never do anything right and so gives up
trying. When children find that they can do nothing right because of
constant faultfinding with them, they are apt to become despondent.
This is the only NT use of athumeo. Here are the 7 uses of
athumeo in the
Septuagint (LXX)
(Deut. 28:65; 1 Sam. 1:6f; 15:11; 2 Sam. 6:8; 1 Chr. 13:11; Isa. 25:4
)
The duty
of the parent is discipline, but it is also encouragement.
The point is
that children who grow up with parents who continually (present tense)
provoke them will become disheartened.
Paul wrote to
his "spiritual children" reminding them
"how we were exhorting
and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a
father would his own children." (1Th 2:11).
Proverbs 19:18 encourages parents to
"Discipline your son while
there is hope & do not desire his death."
Proverbs 18:14 is a
direct parallel to Paul's command in Colossians, instructing the wise
father that
"the spirit of a man can endure his sickness, but a
broken spirit who can bear?"
Barclay writes this
cautionary note...
The more conscientious a parent is,
the more he is likely always to be correcting and rebuking the child.
Simply because he wishes the child to do well, he is always on his
top.
We remember, for instance, the
tragic question of Mary Lamb, whose mind was ultimately unhinged:
“Why is it that I never seem to be
able to do anything to please my mother?”
We remember the poignant statement
of John Newton:
“I know that my father loved
me—but he did not seem to wish me to see it.”
There is a certain kind of constant
criticism which is the product of misguided love.
The danger of all this is that the
child may become discouraged. Bengel speaks of
“the plague of youth, a broken
spirit (Fractus animus pestis iuventutis).”
It is one of the tragic facts of
religious history that Luther’s father was so stern to him that Luther
all his days found it difficult to pray: “Our Father.” The
word father in his mind stood for nothing but severity. The duty of
the parent is discipline, but it is also encouragement. Luther himself
said,
“Spare the rod and spoil the
child. It is true. But beside the rod keep an apple to give him when
he does well.”
Sir Arnold Lunn, in Memory to
Memory, quotes an incident about Field-Marshal Montgomery from a book
by M. E. Clifton James. Montgomery was famous as a disciplinarian—but
there was another side to him. Clifton James was his official
“double” and was studying him during a rehearsal for D-Day.
“Within a few yards of where I was
standing, a very young soldier, still looking sea-sick from his
voyage, came struggling along gamely trying to keep up with his
comrades in front. I could imagine that, feeling as he did, his rifle
and equipment must have been like a ton weight. His heavy boots
dragged in the sand, but I could see that he was fighting hard to
conceal his distress. Just when he got level with us he tripped up and
fell flat on his face. Half sobbing, he heaved himself up and began to
march off dazedly in the wrong direction. Monty went straight up to
him and with a quick, friendly smile turned him round. ‘This way,
sonny. You’re doing well—very well. But don’t lose touch with the chap
in front of you.’ When the youngster realized who it was that had
given him friendly help, his expression of dumb adoration was a
study.”
It was just because Montgomery
combined discipline and encouragement that a private in the Eighth
Army felt himself as good as a colonel in any other army.
The better a parent is the more he
must avoid the danger of discouraging his child, for he must give
discipline and encouragement in equal parts. (Barclay,
W: The Letters to the Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians.
Philadelphia: The Westminster Press)
